Paying Rent
by waddlewog
Summary: Lucy's luck (and money) finally runs out. Follow as Natsu faces the stress that is "feelings" for Lucy as she lives in the same house as him. A story of friendship, love, laughter, and Natsu's life going to shit. Slightly AU. Lotsa NaLu but also Jerza and GaLe. Rated T for many words that you would get in trouble for saying at school.
1. LIVING IN 24K MAGIC

**CHAPTER 1: LIVING IN 24K MAGIC NATSU POV**

 **8 AM MONDAY: I ACCIDENTALLY ATE THE LAST FISH LAST NIGHT SO HAPPY THREW ICE WATER ON MY FACE TO WAKE ME UP. THAT CAT BEST WATCH OUT.**

After effectively embarrassing Happy in front of Carla this fine morning, I walk to the guildhall in a rather preppy mood. Sure, Happy was pouting his little butt off when I left him but I'd say that's only fair considering I WOKE UP WITH HYPOTHERMIA. I DIDN'T EXPECT HAPPY TO STOOP DOWN TO GRAY'S LEVEL BUT I GUESS THAT WAS JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

Geez you can't trust anyone these days.

I walk into the guildhall, welcomed with the rowdy atmosphere that is Fairy Tail. I decide that it's been nearly 2 hours since I consumed anything. My body was not made to be tested in such extreme manners. So I dodge the chair flying across the room (probably aimed at Macao's head) and sit my jolly self down at the bar to order a mug of ginger ale for myself and, noticing the stink-eye that Happy is sending me, a big salmon for Happy. Aww. I know. I'm so nice. I try. I

Suddenly, I feel a shiver run up my spine as the air in the guild becomes appallingly frigid. The hall becomes quiet, the air grows thin, and a dark atmosphere comes into the room. Something is very wrong. I know little miss Ice Queen is out on a job, so if it's not Gray… all my senses tense as I slowly turn around in my seat to see the source of this terror.

Oh. It's just Lucy.

OH SHIT IT'S LUCY. She's standing in the doorway with a bird's nest type of hairstyle, still in her Hello Kitty pajamas and dragon Stompeez that I'd gotten her for Christmas last year. Classy, I know. With fists on her sides and smoke shooting out of her ears, she stomps across the guildhall, her slippers making a little 'squeak' sound with every step as the dragon mouth opens and closes. I suppress the urge to smirk. WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS BAD. WHY'S SHE ANGRY? Lucy's kicks are a lot more powerful than they seem. Man, I don't know what I did, but I'd really like to go back in time and slap myself for it.

In an attempt to avoid all scenarios that end with me flying through the roof, I try to casually disregard the daggers she's shooting me as she approaches and innocently ask, "Hey Luce, what's up?"

Bad move.

"WHAT'S UP IS THAT MY LANDLADY IS A COOKIE MONSTER AND YOU ATE ALL THE COOKIES". She sat down on the stool next to me and let out a big sigh as she gulped down the rest of my drink. Sure, help yourself.

Okay before we begin, for the sake of honesty, I have to say this. I ACTUALLY HAVE LIKE A HUGE CRUSH ON LUCY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. I think it's always kinda been there since I met her, but I didn't really acknowledge it until recently. But dang the person she is, the way she makes me feel… UGH THIS SOUNDS SO SAPPY. I just… I mean… I JUST THINK THAT SHE'S A REALLY GREAT PERSON AND SHE'S SO COOL AND NICE AND UGGHHH EMOTIONS. Great, so now that that's out of the way, we can move on!

I don't really know what to say to the cookie thing because I mean… what could you say to that? Thankfully, Mira comes to my rescue and asks from behind the bar, "What's wrong Lucy?"

Dang, there's something about bartenders that just makes it okay for them to ask anything they want to just about anyone without it being weird. Like she could've asked "Hey Lucy, would you like to drink pink ferret juice I found on the road this morning?" and it would be just as normal. I'm jealous.

"Ughhh. My landlady decided she's had enough of me and kicked me out because I haven't paid rent for the past 4 months. IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT THOUGH, IT'S HIS", she says, pointing her finger at me as if we were in pre-k and she were tattle-tailing to the teacher.

I mean, I probably deserve it, but I generally like to know why. "What did I do?!"

"YOU, along with Erza and Gray, caused so much damage at our last THREE jobs that we've had to PAY the people who hired US for all our destruction. All that debt means no money for rent, which means angry landlady, which leads to a sangry homeless Lucy."

I inwardly snicker at her combination of sad and angry. "Well why am I the only one getting scolded? Erza and Gray are just as destructive as I am!"

"Yah but THEY didn't go around SETTING THINGS ON FIRE just because they didn't want 'the rest of the furniture to feel left out'! IT'S A COUCH NATSU, I THINK IT'S HAPPY TO STAY OUT OF THE INFERNO."

Well how would she know, gosh.

"So where are you going to live now?" asks Mira.

"Well… the landlady said I can move back in once I've payed off all my debt, but since she's holding the place for me, she's going to charge me for the time I take to find the money as well."

Yikes, that's twisted. That's like telling Happy to catch 10 fish, but every minute he doesn't catch one, he has to catch another one. So if he didn't catch one in a minute, he suddenly has to catch 11, but then if he can't catch those, then he'll have to catch more, and soon enough he'll need to catch more fish than there are available in the lake. THERE'S NO WINNING AHH.

"She said I can stay the night, but after that, until I can pay off my rent, I'm not too sure where I'm going to go."

Erza, who gathered the situation from the .03 seconds she had been in our little circle, offers, "Well, you could come live with the rest of us at Fairy Hills, or I could lend you some money if you prefer the comfort of your own home. You could always just ride public transportation through the night."

Of course she has 15 plans ready to go in a split second. OF COURSE.

"Ahaha, Fairy Hills is waayyy more expensive than my rent, and I'd rather not owe the guild any money." She was actually right. I once snuck in there with Gray to pull a prank on Erza and DAMN THEY LIVE LIKE THEY'RE IN A BRUNO MARS SONG OR SOMETHING. They have private training rooms, fully-stocked bathrooms, suites with armoires and built-in storage, A BUFFET, and like 3 different hot tubs. THEY HAVE A CHEESE FOUNTAIN. I'm jealous again. "And no way am I BORROWING money from anyone. If I didn't even willingly accept my own father's money, there's no way in hell I'm accepting any of yours."

Lady's got a point. But I mean she still needs a place to live… oh. OH. OHOHOHOHOH. "Well why don't you just stay with me and Happy? I mean, it is technically our fault that you're in this position, and we stay over at your house all the time so we kinda owe you." That's right. Slide it in real slick. Not at all exploding on the inside right now. Smooth as silver.

She visibly considers it for a while.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG WOMAN I'M DYING HERE. I mean. I'm chill. Yanno, whatevs. No bigs.

Suddenly, a bright smile. "Yeah, alright!"

WOOHOOOOOOOO. HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER. THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.

 **9 AM TUESDAY. LUCY'S GONNA COME OVER ANY SECOND NOW. OH MY GOSH I'M SO EXCITED. I EVEN DID MY HAPPY DANCE. AHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T WAIT.**

"Sorry, I brought a few of my own things to keep here. I hope you don't mind," Lucy says as she drags one of eleventy-two suitcases in through the doorway. Yeah 'a few' was kind of the biggest understatement of the year. I peer through the doorway as I see a cart full of luggage and Lucy-stuff waiting in the walkway. It isn't too unlike Erza's honestly. How many things could she possibly need in a fully-furnished house?

"Really? Are you sure you brought enough?" I wouldn't be surprised if I saw a Batmobile pop out from under there at this point. OH MY GOD I THINK I SEE AN EASY-BAKE OVEN. Does she think we're going to eat palm-sized pizzas for dinner everyday or something?

She gives me a sideways look at my sarcasm. I give a sideways look at her luggage. "So where should I put all my- OH MY GOD. IT'S CLEAN. EVERYBODY. SHUT. UP." No one is talking. "NOBODY PANIC." She's literally the only one who's freaking out. She quickly turns to face me and gives me a serious look. "Natus… did you… did you clean?"

WELL AREN'T YOU RUDE. I WOULD SCREAM OFF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW ABOUT THE LACK OF FAITH SOCIETY HAS IN ME BUT… IT'S JUST… her staring into my eyes to see whether or not I'm sick is _really_ screwing with my focus so I just go,"Uhm… yea….?" Ugh I'm such a moron.

She starts tearing up. IS THIS THAT BIG OF A DEAL? She collapses on the ground and proceeds to start crying buckets. DEAR LAWDY THIS WOMAN IS SO DRAMATIC. I'M NOT THAT MESSY JEEZ LOUISE. "Oh for crying out loud! Do you wanna get settled in or not?!"

"Oh. Oh yeah!" DID SHE FORGET ALREADY?

I give her a grand tour of the house, or as I like to call it, The Boom Box. It just so happened that when me and Happy got this place by winning it in a bet (Wakaba is literally the best person to gamble against ever), we bagged a guest room with it. Until now, it wasn't really clean enough to use, but HEY, YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO AND I GOTTA DO LUCY. Er. I GOTTA HELP LUCY.

I'm actually really anxious to show her mine and Happy's house. What if she thinks it's too childlike? What if she doesn't like the colour of the walls? What if there's too much blue Happy fur lying around? I THINK IT'LL BE FINE THOUGH. AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T MAKE FUN OF MY BATMAN BEDSHEETS WE'LL BE GOOD.

"Natsu, no offense, but your bedsheets are kind of lame."

I take it back. I take everything about liking Lucy back. I have moved on in life. I will find a nice cottage in the countryside and grow old and senile there with Happy till I die.

"That's the last of it..." Quite the disheartened ending to the tour, I know. I'll need some time to get over Lucy and accept my new fate.

"Dang Natsu, you really went all out for me, huh?" she says in a teasing manner.

I feel blood rushing to my cheeks as I turn around and say, "Whatever…" COULD I BE MORE OBVIOUS. What am I doing with my life…

Thankfully she doesn't seem to take note of my utter stupidity (or at least I think she didn't) and says, "Oh hey, where's Happy?"

"Oh he's out with Carla to try to prove that he 'is, in fact, super duper cool.' Personally, I think he's overreacting. This morning could've been a lot worse if I brought up the fact that he sleeps with a stuffed toy version of Jerry so that he can 'protect him from Tom' even though he himself is a cat."

She starts smiling like an idiot. "Aww, it's the _purr_ fect relationship!"

"Oh no."

"I don't think I like your _cat_ itude mister."

"Please stop," I beg.

"Are you _p_ _aw_ sitive you want me to?"

"I need to get out of here."

"You could say… you need to _flea_."

Shit that one was actually pretty good. Pfft… fffff…. "AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA."

She grins triumphantly. DAMMIT. "Well, I'm beat. Mind if I take a shower?"

"Well it's your place just as much as it is mine from this point on. No need to ask for permission."

"LITTY". I openly cringe at her existence. I wonder how society has allowed her to exist thus far. Maybe because she's killin' the game in every aspect of life. Or maybe society wants to get her and is just doing a really sucky job at doing so.

In any case, her taking a shower is exactly what I need to recollect myself in my alone time. OH I KNOW. I'LL DRINK GINGER ALE. I don't know what it is about this drink, but I LOVE ITTTT. So fresh. So smooth. So carbonated. So gooooood. Always calms my nerves.

I guess I'm going to have to buy a lot more if Lucy's gonna live around here…

 **11:30 AM TUESDAY. LUCY'S BEEN IN THE SHOWER FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE TAKING SO LONG. I'VE FINISHED ENTIRE ISLANDS IN POPTROPICA IN LESS TIME. GIRLS ARE WEIRD.**

WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I drank a LOT of Ginger Ale because duh, it's so great and also my nerves were really nervous about Lucy being here. She saw my batman bedsheets and didn't say anything BUT she said that the fact that me and Happy have a bunk bed is "so extra". WHATEVER SHE'S EXTRA. SEE IF I CARE ABOUT WHAT SHE SAYS. Because I do.

But the point is that I drank a lot of Gingy and now… I NEED TO PEEEEE. But my house is 3 beds and only one bath, and Lucy isn't going to be coming out anytime soon from the sounds of it. So you see the problem?

I could always just go in… the lock on the bathroom door has been broken for ages and I never really bothered fixing it since the only other person here was Happy. BUT SHE'S SHOWERING. She's in her birthday suit in there… I already get riled up enough when she's wearing her normal clothes BUT LET'S BE REAL HERE, HER NORMAL CLOTHES ARE SO REVEALING, LIKE WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? There are literally lewd men EVERYWHERE and you just know that they allllll want to do the nasty with her. I mean I guess I can't blame them because I'm not too different BUT STILL THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I'M JUST VERY PROTECTIVE OVER HER. As a friend of course.

Ugh I need to peeeee. I mean, it's not like I'll see anything… She probably has the shower curtain drawn. Unless she likes to watch herself shower in the mirror which is super weird. Although I guess if I were her, I would too. BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

But what if the curtains somehow fell? Or caught on fire? Disintegrated? I mean it's no secret that I've seen her body naked multiple times now but it's just sort of… different since I caught these "feelings" or whatever.

You know what. Fuck it. I'm going in.

I open the bathroom door to see the shower curtains pulled across. Phew. She's not weird. I hear Lucy yelp. "UHM CAN I HELP YOU?"

"Calm down, I just need to pee. It's not like you were going to come out anytime this century anyway." I hear her start to retaliate, but I guess she gave up as she sighed and continued her showering. GREAT.

Now all I have to do is focus on anything except what the curtain less than 3 feet away from me is hiding, do my business, and get out.

Except… halfway through, I realize that the shower really isn't that loud and that this is REALLY AWKWARD. She's literally LISTENING to me pee. What if she's judging me? Am I peeing too much? Maybe I'm not doing it right…? So this is all it takes for me to reconsider the way I've been using the restroom everyday for my entire life. My existence depresses me to no end.

Damn it Gingy. I should've known better than to fall for your bubbly goodness again.

Phew. Done. The moment I finish, I wash my hands (hygiene is key) and practically run out of the bathroom. Oh wait. I should flush. Duh.

I go back to quickly flush the toilet and start running ou- "EEEEEEEKKKKKK. COLD COLD COLD. DRAGNEEL, I'M GONNA KILL YOU THE MOMENT I COME OUT OF HERE."

Oh. Flush. Shower. "Heh. My bad. Sorry 'bout that." I would stick around to hear her angry rant except I GOTTA DASH.

I NEED TO CALM DOWN. Oh hey, I bet Ginger Ale will do the job. WAIT NO. NADA MAS. I rush into my room and bite the nearest object I can find till I'm sure my teeth have made an everlasting impression in it. Yes, this is a sure-fire technique of stress relief. Just grab whatever is closest and bite it realllllly hard. Highly recommended by me and all the voices in my head.

AHHHHHHHH. I JUST PEED IN FRONT OF LUCY. -ish. The entire basis of our friendship has changed. I feel it. I was better off just peeing in a bush outside…

Not to mention she just took a cold shower because of me. Funny how usually it's the other way around.

I look up from whatever the hell I just bit (oh, it's a punching bag) to see Happy, who had apparently come in through the window, perched on top of my dresser giving what I can only describe as the perverted-friend look. You know, the one that your friend gives you when you're in class and the teacher inadvertently says something dirty. It's strictly for those with their minds in the gutter and is by far the creepiest way of delivering the message "huehuehuehuehue".

"So how's your new roommate situation going, Natsu?" he says in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Shut up…" I respond, avoiding his knowing gaze. Of course, he knows about my little 'feelings' situation with her but he's NOT AT ALL COOL ABOUT IT. He literally tells her that I like her IN FRONT OF ME. Not all villains wear creepy hairstyles.

"I still don't understand why you don't just tell her that you liiiiikke her."

"Because then SHE'LL KNOW HAPPY." And I thought I was dense. Pfft. "Tell her". What a rookie mistake. Thank Mavis that I know better.

* * *

WELP. THERE. IT'S DONE. The very first chapter. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Can I improve? Should I even continue? Pleaasseee comment your thoughts so that I can make this story more enjoyable for everyone :))) This chapter is quite short and I have lots more written, but I really need feedback to continue.

Thank youuuu


	2. CUPID TIME

**CHAPTER 2: CUPID TIME**

* * *

LUCY'S POV

* * *

 **1:00 PM WEDNESDAY. I'M TAKING A WALK WITH PLU. I'M SO HUNGRY. ALL OF MAGNOLIA SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS BUT ALSO VAGUELY LIKE THE INSIDE OF A PANDA EXPRESS AND IT IS TORTURE.**

After getting myself some to-go orange chicken in one of those cardboard Chinese take-out boxes that you always see in movies, I sit down at a bench to enjoy my meal. Take my advice: NEVER eat and walk simultaneously. Or rather, never eat and trip over a rock and spill all your burning hot chicken soup all over yourself simultaneously. That was a hard lesson to learn. AND THE ONLY WAY TO ENSURE YOU DON'T TRIP IS TO NOT WALK AT ALL.

Just kidding, I can probably manage a way to trip while sitting if I tried hard enough.

I look out at the river I'm sitting in front of. It's pretty awesome that Magnolia has a river running right through the middle of it. It really adds to the scenery of the city. Merchant stores and food stalls lining the edges, bridges every few blocks connecting the the two halves of the city, ahhh so pretty.

I remember one time me and Natsu came over to one of those bridges in the afternoon and he tried cotton candy for the first time. I commented on how his hair and the candy were the same colour, and he proclaimed that "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" and threw it in the river. I started whining that I lost my snack so he started swimming after it, not realizing how cotton candy actually works. When he finally figured it out, he pulled me in the river with him so that I could "feel one with the cotton". Crazy boy. He really is my best friend.

I look over at the bridge where he and I once sat in an overly-nostalgic way so that I can pretend I'm in a melodramatic music video from the '90s. To my surprise, the bridge isn't vacant at all.

OH MY GOSH IT'S ERZA AND JELLAL. THOSE TWO ARE SO CUTE. Well, in the most aggravating of ways.

Ever since they met at the beach during our training session for the Grand Magic Games, Jellal has been coming over to the guildhall more and more to visit everyone *cough cough* HE ONLY WANTS ERZA * cough cough*. Of course, the rest of us are more than happy about his visits. Anyone who can make Erza yelp and act like a 13 year-old schoolgirl who's head over heals in love is always welcome at the guild.

But unfortunately, they haven't really gotten anywhere romantically.

It's obvious he wants her, and it's more than obvious that the feelings are mutual. But from what Erza has told me, it's never going to happen because of his guilty conscience.

BUT THAT'S SO DUMB.

He's a super cool guy from what I can tell, and even Master Mavis said he has the heart of a member of Fairy Tail. SO WHAT'S THE BIG PROBLEM?

I watch as they laugh together about whatever joke Jellal just made (turns out he's quite the jokester and we get along really well. Who knew?), but eventually the laughter dies out.

Uh oh. Jellal "has to go".

Every once in awhile, Jellal tells Erza he has business to attend to, errands to run in other cities, or that he needs to go take care of Meredy. The rest of us, though, know that this is just him staying on the down-low so he can "resist giving into the temptation that is Erza".

Cute? Unnecessary? Good-willed? Demented? Even I don't know.

I see him walk away from her and turn around to give a small wave. I see her wave right back with a smile of her own. But then I see her frown as she watches him walk away. This happens every time. There are only a few select times I've seen Erza cry, but most of those times have been because of Jellal leaving her.

I can't imagine what it must be like for her… having to stay away from someone she loves despite how close he is…

OH WAIT I DO.

If you can't tell (which I'm pretty sure you can―everyone can), I LIKE NATSU A LOT.

He's just so kind, and smiley, and funny, and cute, and passionate, and AHHHHH. But he's about 7 leagues out of mine, and there's no way I'd risk telling him about my feelings if it could jeopardize our friendship.

And don't even get me started on his house… Living with him in the same space does 'things' to me that I can't keep up with. Exhibit A: YESTERDAY'S LITTLE "Let me just pee while Lucy is showering" THING.

UGHHH. YOU KNOW WHAT. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. ERZA AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS. IT'S SO NOT FAIR.

"We gotta do something about this."

"KYAAAAA," I yelp as I drop my Panda Express. "JESUS CHRIST, GRAY YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME." I look down at my spilled rice and chicken with a crushed soul. NOT AGAINNN.

At least I've got my fortune cookie.

"Whoops. Sorry about that." THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE HE WAS SORRY AT ALL. "Lucy, we gotta do something about Jellal and Erza," he says as he hunches over on the park bench I'm sitting on from behind. "I've known Erza longer than anyone else at Fairy Tail and trust me when I say that she's never acted so pathetically helpless in her life before."

I think carefully about his words. You know, for a while there, I used to think that Gray had a crush on Erza. Turns out he's just a bomb-ass friend. You go Gray. "Yah you're right. This has to end. You know what this means right?"

I pick the fortune cookie up off the ground, taking it out of its packaging, and crush it, throwing the cookie itself on the ground for the birds to eat and unraveling the fortune. Hopefully it's something super appropriate like "All your plans will come to success".

 _The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese._

Wut. WELL WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT? Frowning at the cookie, I look up to see Erza still hunched over the bridge and declare, "It's time."

 **3:00 AM THURSDAY. I CRASHED SUPER EARLY AND NOW I'M AWAKE AT A TIME THAT NO ONE SHOULD BE AWAKE AT.**

After making sure there was no monster hiding behind the shower curtain, I quietly use the bathroom and flush, shuddering at the memory of what happened this afternoon. Quickly washing my hands, I stealthily close the bathroom door (though it might as well not be there since APPARENTLY NO ONE CARES FOR LUCY'S PRIVACY) and tip-toe towards my room.

Wait why is it so quiet. I've been on enough missions with Natsu to know the inhumanely loud volume at which he snores.

Looking over at the door right across mine, I decide to quickly take a peek and make sure everything is okay.

I feel like I'm bordering on invasion of privacy. Is this what a peeping tom feels like? Then again, what if there's no snoring because he and Happy are secretly plotting a prank or something? This is purely self defense.

Bumping into several things at once on my way to Natsu's room, I peer through the crack in the doorway to find out what's going on. To my surprise however, only Happy is sprawled out in the top bunk with his stuffed animal version of Jerry.

Where's Natsu?

I look around the pitch black house and still no sign of Natsu or his nearly glow-in-the-dark hair. Uhh. Maybe he's one of those people who like to go for late night strolls? Well since I can't seem to sleep much myself, I might as well join him. Plus, looking at the stars at night always makes me feel somewhat better.

Heheh the thought of me and him walking together under the stars makes me giddy. I quickly put on my dragon Stompeez, wrap a blanket around myself for warmth, and head out for a walk myself.

Abruptly hit by the cold air, I secure the blanket around me and look up to see the stars. To my surprise, I see Natsu sitting on the roof, also looking at the stars.

"Hey Natsu!" I say, snapping him out of whatever daze he was in. "Mind if I join?"

He grins cheekily and shakes his head. "Not at all".

He bends over and offers me a hand up, allowing me to settle down on a spot next to him. For a while we don't say anything at all and sit in a comfortable silence. This is nice. Really nice. In fact, it's great.

Moments like this are literally what I live for. Since I joined Fairy Tail, I've had more of them then I could even wish for. All my friends, always with me. It's kind of the best feeling in the world. I look up at the constellations and remember my celestial spirits one by one.

"Do you think he's still out there Lucy?" Natsu's words bring me out of my thoughts. I look at him in confusion at first, but then notice his hand clutching his scarf. Igneel.

My eyes soften. The earnesty in Natsu's eyes and the hope in his heart may be the two qualities of his that I like most. SERIOUSLY, HOW CUTE. It pains me to think that after all these years of helping others, he still hasn't been able to reunite with his dad. Losing mine only made it even more obvious to me that a kid needs a father.

I move my gaze from Natsu's face to look at the stars that he's looking at, trying to understand what he's feeling and what type of answer he needs right now. Honestly, I'm not too sure. BUT HELL IF I'M DISCOURAGING NATSU FROM FINDING HIS FATHER.

I take his left hand and lead it to his chest. "I think he's right here Natsu. He's supported you in everything you've done till now and he will continue to be with you as long as you hold him in your heart. I'm no expert on family relationships, but if you ask me, then the fact that he's with you every step of the way is all that really matters."

He takes in my words slowly and turns to look at me.

WAS THAT TOO CHEESY? DID I SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE A DISNEY MOVIE? OR MAYBE SOMEONE OUT OF DOWNTON ABBEY? I really gotta stop watching all those soap dramas…

"You're right Lucy. Thanks."

THANK YOU LADY MARY CRAWLEY. YOU ALWAYS GOT MY BACK.

It may be because all I seem to be able to think of right now is how I want to hug Natsu and do other "things" to him, but the silence that follows his thanks is a LOT more awkward than the first.

Oh god I'm really bad with awkward silences. Natsu is too. What if this is what kills our relationship? It's probably in stupid, hormone-filled head. That's right it's alllll in my head. AHHH. I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING QUICK. FALAFEL. TURTLE. CHEESECAKE. TURTLE CHEESECAKE. ANYTHING.

"So Jellal and Erza huh?" I silently thank Mavis for Natsu's interruption of my thoughts. Last time this happened, I yelled out PURPLE TORTILLAS and caused a very heated debate in the guildhall about the colour of certain Mexican food.

"Jellal and Erza. By the time we're through with them, they're going to be jumping each other's bones every second they get. I can see it now: "A Love Story" STARring Jellal Fernandes and Erza Scarlet."

Hehe get it? Because we're looking at the stars right now? And Jellal's magic has to deal with space? It's funny. Hehe. Get it?

 **6:00 PM THURSDAY. IT'S CUPID TIME. WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN SO LONG. I'M SO EXCITED. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST MEDDLED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS.**

"I'm glad everyone was able to make it here," says Gray, in a serious voice.

"Of course. We would never forget our sacred duty. However, it seems Mirajane has not joined us yet," I reply in an equally solemn tone.

"Yes, Lucy. She will join us shortly. So, let us commence," Natsu states with a very Erza-like tone.

"WOULD YOU GUYS CUT THE CRAP?!" yells Gajeel. "WHY AM I EVEN HERE?" Well aren't you rude.

Cupid Time is a little club we made back when Elfman and Evergreen seemed to be in need of a little assistance in their romantic life. Sure, it was just a circle of me, Nastu, Happy, Erza, and Gray at the time but I can proudly present our newest recruits: Mirajane, Gajeel, and Levy! We were all sitting in a circle on a rug in Natsu's house, as if we were some high-school kids about to play Spin the Bottle. Not that I would mind…

"BECAUSE GAJEEL, you somehow managed to rope in a girl like Levy, so you obviously have lots of tricks up your sleeve," says Happy in a very matter-of-fact manner. To be honest, I think all of us are a little surprised that they've been dating so long now.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY THAT I TRICKED HER INTO DATING ME, CAT?"

"UHUM," I say, trying to resolve the conflict before it can begin. The guildhall is one thing, but there's no way I'm going to let them destroy my sleeping space, especially since it's not mine to begin with. "ANYWAY… onto business. I think we can all agree that Erza and Jellal ought to be together, yes?"

"Long live Jerza!" says Levy.

"Well yah, but they never seem to work out because of all the guilt Jellal carries with him. We can't help them unless we can first get through to Jellal," observes Happy.

I hear a knock on the door. "Well that's why," starts Natsu as he walks to his front door "...he's here!" he yells, acting in an entirely-too pompous way as if he were a game show host showing "What's behind door number 1!" He opens the door to reveal Mirajane holding Jellal with a bag on his head.

Wait what. "Uhm Mira… we said to talk to Jellal and bring him, not kidnap him," says Gray with a very wary tone.

"Yeah I know. But don't you think it's more exciting this way?" she says with an "innocent" smile. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. MIRA'S FREAKY SIDE ALWAYS COMES UP IN THE WORST OF PLACES. She didn't get the name "She-Devil" from her powers alone.

Natsu leads Jellal into the middle of our little circle and dramatically takes/rips off the brown sack his head.

Jellal glares. "You know that thing's not soundproof right? I figured out what was going on the moment you put the bag on me. Oh and THANKS FOR THAT KICK IN THE STOMACH MIRA. It was just a BIT unnecessary." Dang we really need to reconsider bringing Mira into this thing.

Gray looks surprised. "So you know why you're here?"

"Well, I got everything except that part. Guessing it's got to do with Erza though." AHA. SO SHE'S ON HIS MIND ALL THE TIME. WE'RE ALREADY HALFWAY DONE.

"Right you are," says Mira.

"You need to come clean to her," says Happy.

 **6:45 PM THURSDAY. JELLAL HAS BEEN STARING HOLES INTO THE FLOOR FOR A DANGEROUS AMOUNT OF TIME NOW. SERIOUSLY HE HASN'T BLINKED I'M GETTING WORRIED.**

After 3 eternities of dead silence, Jellal finally spoke up. "What could I have to come clean to her about?"

Rage.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DWERP. YOUR FEELINGS BOI. WE ALL KNOW YOU LOVE HER." Sure, leave it to Gray to be calm and collected. For an ice-mage, he really doesn't know how to keep his cool.

Jellal looks a little perplexed about what to say. "...I know not of what you speak."

Levy, usually on the sweeter side, quite harshly yells, "LOOK HERE JELLAL, WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DISCUSS WHETHER OR NOT YOU EVEN HAVE FEELINGS FOR ERZA OKAY?" She must've caught herself screaming as she let out a deep breath to maintain her temper. Aww even when she's mad she's cute. "It isn't something to hide so if you could just accept it, then we could all move on."

We all wait for Jellal to think about what she said. I guess Levy's bluntness gets to him as he puts on a defeated look.

"Okay so maybe I do. But these are not feelings I intend to act upon, and that is final."

"But whyyy?" questions Mira in a slightly whiny manner.

"Because, Mira, I have taken too much from her. From all of you, in fact. The sins of my past are too great. I can't just forget about them and move on to the future as if nothing happened." He moves his gaze from Mira to his hands in his lap. "This is my punishment." A glum silence fell over the room.

I look down at my crossed legs to think about how I can't help but feel sorry for him. In his mind, whether or not he was possessed or not, whatever happened at the Tower of Heaven was his fault. I guess it's kind of noble of him if you think about it that way.

Maybe he's right. We can't force a relationship that was accursed to begin with.

"Nahhh, I don't buy it."

Surprised at the disruption of the quiet, I lift up my head to see Natsu looking nonchalantly at Jellal with his arms crossed behind his head. "You say that the only reason you're staying away from Erza is to punish your own self right? Well as far as I can tell, any type of relationship in this world is composed of two people, not one. So while you may think that you're punishing yourself, you seem to be punishing Erza just as much."

Gray catches drift of what Natsu's saying and joins in. "Jellal, we don't know what you've been through, and we can't do anything to change the past, but we do know Erza's tears. We see her smile waver just a little bit at the thought of you pushing her away. We see her long for you in her times of need. As much as she hates to admit it, she's quite obvious when it comes to this stuff."

"You need to go to her, Jellal," I say softly.

 **9:00 AM SATURDAY. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GO CONFRONT ERZA. I'M SO READY FOR THEM TO BE TOGETHER. JERZA 5-EVER.**

Well technically I guess it's only Jellal going to confront Erza while the rest of us tail him from behind in broad daylight. Minor details.

Whatever the case, Jellal seems pretty shaken up by whatever we told him that evening and, after much brooding, has finally decided to talk to Erza about it. We continue following him in ninja-mode on the road that seems to be leading to the guildhall. If I had to guess, I would also think that Erza's at the guild, training to her heart's content.

Oh man oh man oh man I'm so pumped. I'm so ready to earn the Fairy Godmother status in my advice-giving. The final step in achieving this stage is matching two lovers. Yes, there ARE guidelines. I've been waiting for this da-"I'M HUNGRYYYY. Can the loverboy hurry it up or am I gonna hafta step in?"

"NO ONE ASKED YOU TO COME GAJEEL SO SHUT UP AND STOP TRAMPLING OVER MY HAPPINESS," I yell. So much for discretion.

Levy giggles. "Heheh, believe it or not Gajeel is actually really invested in their story. HE was the one telling ME to hurry up this morning so we could come meet you guys."

Oh. Well, what do you know?

"Shh shh shh, he stopped," urges Mira.

We all turn our attention back to Jellal to see him hesitate at the steps of the guild. What in god's name is he doing?

IS HE NERVOUS? I've never seen that man hesitate in anything in his entire life. Even when he's confused about his own identity, he seems so confident.

I turn to look so I can make sure that everyone is as appalled as I am and catch Natsu and Gray sharing a knowing look.

"Well if I were him and I was about to confess my feelings to Erza…" starts Natsu, "I would also be shitting my pants right now," finishes Gray. They even finish each other's sentences. Sometimes I feel like they would make a better couple than Natsu and I would.

If he keeps pacing at the rate that he is, Jellal is going to wear away the cobblestone. Thankfully, he stops after a few minutes, stands up straight, ruffles his hair, and walks in with the confidence of a lion. But like a proud lion. Not like Loke. Though I guess that's a type of confidence in itself.

We watch the guild entrance carefully from a distance, expecting either an armory worth of swords targeted at Jellal to fly out or a unanimous "AWWW!" from the members of the guild. In any case, something big is going to happen.

"Well I guess we should all take a seat since this will probably take a while." I don't understand why the cat with wings feels the need to sit so often but I'd rather not question it.

"Uhm…" I see Levy pointing at the guildhall and quickly whip around in case it was burning down or something. Much to Natsu's disappointment, I instead see Jellal standing outside the guildhall in a similar manner to the way he was previously. "He could've only been in there for two minutes tops."

"Maybe they're just really efficient?" questions Natsu as we approach Jellal to find out how it went.

Jellal looks kind of confused himself, piquing my interest further. Unless she spoke in Swahili, Erza's answer should've been a pretty clear "yes" or "no" and Jellal should either be jumping in joy or crying buckets right now.

"Uhm… Cana said she's not here today. But I know she hasn't taken on a job recently… Apparently she's at that ruined old bridge towards the gulf?" he looks to us questioningly searching for an explanation.

Generally, Erza isn't inclined to do much of anything if she doesn't have a solid reason to. NOW I'M WORRIED. THIS ISN'T GOING AT ALL HOW I PLANNED IT WOULD. All I wanted was to mind other people's business and this is what I get. So unfair. I blame the fortune cookie.

"Oh my god..." says Mira, bringing her hand to her mouth in a moment of realization. She looks like she's had the epiphany of the century or something. Her eyes soften as she looks to Jellal. "You must be really special."

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Yayyy another chapter! So the plot thickens... Please please please review so that I can know whether or not anyone's even enjoying this or not. I really really wanna improve so help me out buddy. Thank ye :)


	3. VIOLET SUGARLIPS

**CHAPTER 3: MS. VIOLET SUGARLIPS**

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MIRA'S POV

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 **SOMETIME MANY YEARS AGO. ERZA JUST RECENTLY STARTED GETTING ALONG WITH EVERYONE AT THE GUILD. MASTER FINALLY GAVE ERZA HER FIRST MUG OF BOOZE. THE INITIATION IS COMPLETE.**

"Erza! I challenge you to a drinking competition right here, right now!" screams Gray while standing on top of a bench, wearing nothing but his boxers. I bet he's going to be a big hit with the ladies when he gets older.

"Gray this is her first time drinking, you can't just up and challenge her. Also, YOU'RE LIKE 8 YEARS OLD," scolds Wakaba as he looks at Erza and Gray each finish their first mug of the night.

Erza, being a stubborn little brat, ignores the elder's comments and declares, "SO THE FETUS IS CHALLENGING ME, HUH? HAVE AT ME THEN!" Sure, drink to your death the first time you even sip alcohol. Be my guest.

And so it begins.

Everyone watches as the two midgets drink like it is the end of the world, neither one showing any sign of retreat. Reedus very astutely notes, "Oh la la it looks in here like it is the liberation of France! Nobody bring out the guillotine... but, why has mademoiselle Cana joined in?"

"BECAUSE Reedy," replies dwarf-Cana in between hiccups, "The booze. IT CALLS TO ME. IT WANTS ME TO CONSUME IT. MY PRECIOUSSSSSS. MY OWNNN." Who would've guessed that the Gollum played such a vital role in the French Revolution?

Ugh this is taking too long. I don't want to have to clean up any of their vomits so how about I speed things up a little so we can all go home and get a good night's sleep?

I walk over to the bar in the guild, not bothering to make sure no one notices me because everybody is too busy with their faces inside their mugs. Hmmm… lots of good options here. Gin, whiskey, bourbon, sherry… OOOOOH. This one looks EXTOIC. I lean over on my tippy toes and grab a small vile of tequila.

Yep, this should do the trick.

I go over to where Erza and Gray are sitting, and pour the liquid into Erza's next drink. Sure she's going to win tonight, but just imagine her pain tomorrow morning. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has got nothing on me. GO AHEAD AND TRY PERRY THE PLATYPUS. I'M WAITING. Now to just sit and watch.

Erza oh-so-valiantly grabs the extra-spiked mug and gulps it all down. Hehehehehe. Sure enough, eight and a half drinks later, Gray falls over on his back and Erza declares victory, taking one more celebratory drink just for the heck of it.

Great. We're done. Time to go home.

I start walking out of the guild home, highly satisfied with the thought of Erza waking up tomorrow morning just barely able to stand. I think I'll greet her with some clanging pots and pans when she comes to guild. Maybe a megaphone, who knows.

I happily nod at everyone as I head out. "Oh hey Mira." I turn around to see our scrawny little master smiling at me. "Why don't you escort Erza to Fairy Hills with you, huh?"

I start to retaliate, but then I catch that glint in his eyes that tells me to shut up. UGH HOW DOES HE ALWAYS FIGURE IT OUT. "Fine…." AUUGHHHH. I am vexed. VEXED I TELL YOU. "You coming, red?"

I turn around expecting to have to drag that human excuse of a headache all the way back home, but surprisingly, I find that I don't have to. No, I find something _much_ worse. "GET. OFF. ME."

"Heheheheh, but Mira~ *hiccup* I loveeee *hiccup* youuu." Oh no.

So APPARENTLY, in the same way that vodka makes Macao act like he's a 67 year-old Spanish conquistador, tequila makes Erza "sappy". Ew.

"Mira~" I look down to see my arm being pulled by the drunk slob. "Come with me, I wanna show you my ~special place~"

I think I'm being invited into a horror movie. I've seen _The Exorcist_ , I am NOT ready to have my head spun 180 degrees around my neck. NOT TODAY MADAM, NOT TODAY. I start to shake off her grip and realize SHE'S REALLY STRONG WHEN BOOZED. Or buzzed? EITHER WAY SHE'S LIKE THE HULK GODDAYUM WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN EAT. SHE drags ME out of the guild hall and across what has to be at least a mile of cobblestone and dirt paths.

I hate life.

"MOW MOW MOWW - AND MY HEART STARTS PUMPINNNNN" Great. Now I have to listen to Erza singing Gitchee Gitchee Goo from Phineas and Ferb until we reach this godforsaken place. Karma's a bitch. The sky is considerably darker than it was when we first started. The sun's going to set any time now. Geez, this has been going on for too long now.

I begin preparing to bite off Erza's hand when I suddenly bump into her. "We're here!"

"HEY WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING WILL YOU?" No response. I peek over her shoulder to look at just how special this place could be and, same as Erza, I become speechless. It's pretty special alright. Towards the end of a lush green forest awaits a stone bridge, fairly new from the looks of it, with Magnolia's city-running river opening up into the sea. Astounded by the mere fact that Erza was capable of finding such a special spot in Magnolia, I look back at her and nearly fall when I see her one eye crying a river. At least JT would be proud. "Erza?"

I guess she heard my unspoken question as she responded, her eyes watching the sunset the entire time. "Because it's where the red of the setting sky and the blue of the soothing sea meet."

UHHHHH. This girl really needs to stop with the whole _The Adventures of Tom Sawyer_ crap and start reading _Geronimo Stilton_ cuz I got NONE of that.

* * *

NATSU'S POV

* * *

 **5:00 PM SATURDAY. WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING AROUND JELLAL FOR SO LONG. HONESTLY IT GOT PRETTY BORING SO WE MADE A GAME OUT OF IT.**

"Drink!" yells Cana. Oh yeah, she somehow joined the stalker huddle along the way.

Of course, it was her brilliant idea for everyone to take a shot every time Jellal sighs in frustration. I think it's more of an excuse to drink than a game cuz no one seems to be winning. I'm not sure how we all even have so much booze to begin with. Needless to say, we're all more than a little tipsy right now. Luckily, DragonSlayers are still more alert than the average wizard even when drunk, so I'm acting as sober as ever.

"Hey hey hey Natsu." I turn around to see Gray urging me towards him.

"Hey man, why're you straying from the group?"

He puts both his hands on my shoulders and puts his head down so that his bangs cover his eyes. "Listen, Natsu." OH MY GOD HE'S ABOUT TO CONFESS HIS LOVE FOR ME. I'M NOT READY. "Whatever you do…" DON'T LET GO, JACK. "...promise me you won't let Juvia find me like this. I refuse to be taken advantage of."

Oh. Lame. "Pfft why should I?"

"Because if you don't, I'll tell Lucy about that time you wet the bed… when you were _14_." LOOK I HAD A DREAM ABOUT GOING TO THE RESTROOM AND I JUST GOT A LITTLE CONFUSED OKAY. IT HAPPENS. Gray's doing me real dirty here. He doesn't even know that I like her and he's already pulling these types of strings. Now I'm definitely not going to tell him. I comply reluctantly and end the conversation there. Not down with talking to MANIPULATIVE JERKFACES.

After hearing that unsolicited threat, I rejoin the mob of senseless toddlers so we can make our way down a road leading to even more senselessness. Ugh, why am I even here? OH DUDE I THINK I SMELL ERZA NEARBY. We must finally be getting closer. FINALLY.

Obviously, Jellal figures it out too as he visibly gets on edge and heads to her location. I know the feel, bud. We reach to find a teary-eyed Erza sitting on a broken down old bridge that looks over the Sea of Magnolia. Aww she looks so sad, I wanna approach her. I wonder what she's- "HEY SPITWAD. LET THEM DO THEIR THING," whisper-yells Gajeel as he extends an iron arm to jerks me back by my scarf.

One, HANDS OFF THE SCARF DUDE. Two, I find it limitlessly fascinating how one man can sound so harsh while whispering so quietly.

So. I did not realize that our plan all along, through hours and hours of walking and listening to Jellal's lovesick monologues, was not to help Jellal in his love, but rather to _hide_ behind a brick wall 10 FEET away from Jellal and Erza and to watch from the side. This is NOT the shit I signed up for.

"Ugh! We're so far I can barely *hiccup* hear anything! *hiccup* Everybody shhhhhhhh." Of course you can't Mira, over YOUR OWN INTOXICATION. Just as I'm about to yell at everyone to shut their yaps, Erza starts talking and everybody shuts up.

"Hey Jellal," starts Erza, not even bothering to cover up the fact that she'd been crying as she keeps looking out to the sea. "Nice weather today, huh?"

"Erza, I need to ask you something important."

She straight up ignores him. "I wish I had a picnic blanket though."

And Jellal ignores her right back. If these two are gonna be in a relationship, I think they should start with working on communication problems. "Is it true that… that you're hurting because I push you away? Erza… are you _waiting_ for me?" Classic Jellal. Cuts straight to the chase.

She chuckles bitterly. "Figure that one out all on your own?" Lmao he actually didn't.

I feel like I'm watching a sappy chick-flick right now. Make it stop.

"Erza, you must let me go and move on. You'll forget about me eventually. I'm just not worth it." Wow, imagine Jellal writing his own marital advertisement. What a nightmare.

Oh shit I think Erza snapped. She turns around fiercely so that her hair looks like it's in slow motion and her tears are flying off her face as if they've been catapulted into the air or something. Seriously, how do girls do that?

"WELL DID _**YOU**_ JELLAL? Did you get over me? For all effects and purposes, I was dead for 7 whole years! Tell me, did you forget about me?! Did you 'move on'?" She's got a point. I frown as I think about how I would feel if Lucy were to go missing for even 7 days.

Jellal's determined stare seems to falter a bit. Ever so quietly, he whispers, "You know I could never forget about you Erza. Not even if someone takes my own identity from me."

I feel a drop of water land on my cheek. I look up to see how it could possibly raining when the sky is nearly clear, and see Gajeel failing to hold back tears from his watery eyes and runny nose. Aww, he's almost cute. Almost.

I elbow him in the stomach as a way of saying, "GET YOUR NASTY SNOT OFF MY CHEEK BUDDY." He just looks at me in a slightly annoyed manner, obviously too engrossed in the drama to really care about the damage he's inflicting to my flawless face.

I pay my attention back to the movie scene to see Erza now up on her feet, fully facing Jellal. She steps forward, confident as ever. "Then that's all there is to it Jellal. You want me and I want you. And if you're that worried about your so-called sins, then this is your redemption. You are making the person you hurt most in your past the happiest she can be in her present."

He looks back up to her eyes.

"You see?" says Erza, smiling. "It's that easy." She starts raising her toes to reach one hand to stay on his chest and the other to pull his neck down to hers. I'VE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN ERZA BE SO GIRLY IN MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. The apocalypse is here kids. I hope she doesn't start talking about makeup sales or something...

"Yeah, I guess it is," he responds through a smile of his own.

I swear I saw the sun set exactly the way Mira had described it the moment they kissed. How they could possibly have timed that so perfectly is beyond me.

It doesn't look like they intend on moving from that position, much less taking a break for breath. "GET A ROOM YOU TWO!" yells Cana from behind me. So much for our cover.

Erza turns to see all of us falling on top of each other in a nice little dog pile and becomes all flustered, while Jellal just stands there too amazed by their little smooch to react to any stimulus from the outside world. Meanwhile, I THINK I FEEL MY RIBS CRACKING UNDER ALL THEIR WEIGHT. Why is it that I'm always at the bottom?

Not that I mind Lucy being on top…

 **11: 39 PM SATURDAY. GRAMPS THREW A PARTY CELEBRATING ERZA'S FIRST SHOW OF GIRLY BEHAVIOUR. WE'RE ALL HEADING BACK HOME NOW AND I'M STILL PRETTY VIGILANT. I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR LUCY.**

"Natsu~" I hear Lucy call out to me as she tries to walk her fingers up my arm. Yep, drunk as fuck. And when Lucy is drunk she's… well she's a straight up horndog. Somebody help me.

Come to think of it, this happened the last time she got drunk at the spa too. Last time there was too much going on for me to focus on the way she was practically purring my name. Tonight, however, Happy figured something like this would happen and decided to "spend some quality time with Carla" so it's just me and Lucy trudging our way home through the streets of Magnolia.

Her fingers stop when they reach the top of my shoulder. She puts her entire palm down and turns me 90 degrees so I can face her. TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT LUCE. Her gaze focus on my lips as she closes her eyes, parts her own lips, and starts leaning forward.

S.O.S.

ABORT MISSION.

ABORT. ABORT.

Although… would she even remember it if we do kiss though? I mean we HAVE been in much more… _intimate_ positions before (sure they were all by accident but they still count). Ah Temptation, that sweet mistress, calls to me.

AHH NO. I CAN'T. IT'S WRONG. I THINK.

She starts talking really breathily. Her words reeks of alcohol. "Natsu...This feels… this is…"

Torture? A test of willpower? Yeah, no kidding. I quickly cover my mouth with my scarf to block any access she may have to me. PHEW. CRISIS AVERTED.

"Ugh you're such a killjoy." Well that was easy. She steps back and puts her weight on one leg, crossing her arms over her chest and pouting. Heheh she looks kind of cute. But still she's a mess. I start walking away quickly to avoid any other intimate interactions she may have in mind.

You know what, screw the scenic route. I'm taking a detour home if it means getting away from this hell. I wonder if I should just throw her in the river and see if that sobers her up. Then again, it's November and I can't risk being on Gramp's Naughty List again.

Fun fact: every year for Christmas, our Master makes a Naughty and Nice list with everyone from the guild on it. All the Nice ones get a cute lil' present while the Naughty ones… well they don't. I remember last year I put itch powder in everyone's underwear so Master put me on the Naughty List and made me do the dishes after the Christmas Party. It may not sound like a lot, but even Fairy Tail's everyday parties make The Great Gatsby look like a joke.

"Oh Natsu~" Jesus Christ, this woman is testing me today. "Come hereeeee. I wanna show you something…" she says, giggling. She's standing a couple feet away in a dark alley, pointing to something or the other that's hidden by a couple of barrels. Yep, I'm definitely in the beginning of a porno.

I helplessly follow her command and go to see what she's talking about. I look behind the barrels to see a couple of Fairy Tail's own beer mugs, probably left astrew after one of our parties. Cool? I fail to see why I care. "Yeah you're right Lucy, littering IS a major environmental problem these days. Glad we got that covered, now let's go home."

I swiftly turn around in an attempt to get away when I hear the sound of unreasonably loud gulping. Uh oh. Uh oh uh oh uh oh. I pivot around on my foot slowly, scared to confirm my suspicions. HOLY SHIT LUCY'S CHUGGING WINE STRAIGHT FROM THE BARREL. "I gotta talk to Cana about her bad influence…" I mutter to myself. WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF SHOWING ME THE BEER MUGS?

From my personal experience, when people are drunk, they experience different stages of of drunkenness depending on their alcohol percentage. So if stage 1 on Lucy's Drunkenness Chart is her walking around like a penguin and yelling at people to "Stop shooting snowballs, they're filled with bird dreams!", and stage 2 is an enraged libido… what's stage 3? Oh geez, I hope it's not like "Stripper Gray mode" or something. As unappealing as that is on Gray, I think I'll have very _different_ problems to handle if Lucy does it. Then again, it could be her "act like Happy mode" as well and then she'd listen to all MY commands for a change. I don't think I wanna find out…

"MMMM BOY, THAT BOOTY LOOKIN' RIGHT!"

Uh.

A suddenly very loud Lucy STRUTS to come in front of me with the confidence of someone who's been to jail and clawed her way back out using only a toothpick. "HONEY BEAR, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A DRINK. SHUT UP AND CHUG WHILE MAMA LEADS US HOME."

What. The. Fuck. Is this. "Who… are you?" Sure it sounds like a dumb question, but I mean… JUST GO WITH IT OKAY.

She gasps unnecessarily loudly and puts her hand on her chest to show just how shaken to the core she is. "GASP." The reason she needs to say the word gasp immediately after gasping escapes me. " _YOU_ DON'T RECOGNIZE _ME_?" Not really, no. " _I'M_ THE ONE AND ONLY VIOLET SUGARLIPS THE FIFTH."

She definitely got that name from one of those random generators online. "Pfft how 'one and only' could you be if there's five of you…" I mumble.

"LOOK HERE LIL' BOY. I AIN'T GOT THE TIME FOR YOUR ATTITUDE. I AM HAVIN' A BLES-SED DAY AND YOU SIR ARE KILLING MY MOJO SO YOU BEST QUIET DOWN BEFORE THINGS GET MESSY SUGAR."

Did she just use the word 'mojo' casually? WAIT A MINUTE. The generic stripper name… the sweet nicknames and slang vocab… the inflated ego… OH MY GOD LUCY'S A DRAG QUEEN. THIS IS STAGE 3. A FEMALE DRAG QUEEN. It's my turn to gasp.

"DID YOU SAY SOMETHIN' DOLLFACE?"

THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS. "Nothing ma'am!" I grin. WAIT TILL HAPPY HEARS ABOUT THIS.

'Violet' seems to ignore it and keeps strutting her way down the street. For a girl who kicked her shoes off half an hour ago, she sure is nailing the 'I've got 50 inch heels made of delicately stacked needles' look. In all my amusement, I decide to let her lead figuring that wherever we go, it's going to be a lot better now that Lucy's a drag queen.

"AHH. HERE WE ARE. You can sleep in for the night pumpkin. But don't get too bold okay?" she says with a wink as she presents to me her house.

"Uhm… Lucy?" I question as I raise my hand. Thanks to Erza's vocabulary lessons in my childhood, I feel the need to raise my hand before asking a question to any scary dominant girl ever. Unfortunately, this encompasses just about every girl at the guild.

She glares at me.

"Ah! I mean Ms. Sugarlips? I hate to be the one to remind you of this but uh… you don't live here anymore." I'm literally sweating from nervousness right now.

"What… did you say to me?" SHE'S PRACTICALLY SHOOTING LIGHTNING BOLTS FROM HER EYES AT ME. HOW IS NOBODY SEEING THIS?

"Uh, well, your landlady said she won't let you stay here until you make up for all the no the of rent you didn't pay. Uhm… she's also charging you extra for the time you take to find this money…"

"Oh. I see." That's it? Really? Wow I guess I was worried for nothing. Also slightly disappointed that nothing happened but I guess I'll get over it. JUST ANOTHER LET DOWN IN THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS MY LIFE. "Hey honeybuns? Where did you say this mean old hag lives?"

Why does it matter? I'm afraid that revealing this information might be a bad idea but then again, defying Ms. Sugarlips would be a worse one. "Uh she's the house a couple feet down from yours. The blue one right there."

"Thank you, sweetpea." Lucy/Violet then proceeds to take one last swig of her wine bottle, spit in it, ask ME to spit in it, and then chuck it through the second floor window of her landlady's master bedroom. She looks back to me. "This the right house?"

I'm in awe. I gulp and nod my head.

"THEN RUN." She starts sprinting down random alleys screaming, "EAT MY DUST, SQUIRREL LADY" as I follow closely behind. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

 **4:16 AM SUNDAY. IS IT EVEN LEGAL TO BE AWAKE THIS EARLY? STUPID MASTER AND HIS STUPID LAST-MINUTE PLANS.**

I peek into Lucy's room and see she's barely even started packing. "HEY LUCE, ARE YOU DONE PACKING YET?" I snort when she winces at my volume. Ahh, the auditory sensitivity of hungover people never fails to brighten my day.

"Why are we going on this stupid trip anyway…" I think Lucy's more mumbling to herself than asking a legitimate question, but I respond anyway.

"BECAUSE LUCY" Another wince. "Gramps is introducing a new once-every-3-years trip that everyone has to take. Sure we don't know where it is, but that just adds to the mystery of it right?" She sulks.

Happy decides to chip in. "It's essentially just an extended party in a different location so cheer up. Can't be too bad." Hey it seems to be working. "Also imagine all the new fish you could try in an ~exotic location~". Less effective, but I like the personalization of the advice.

"Yah I guess you're right… It's just that I don't know how to pack." She holds up a turtleneck sweater in one hand and her bikini in the other to show just how exasperating her situation is. Please oh please let us to go to a beach. "Ugh you know what… It's too early for me to think about this. I'm just going to pack a little bit of everything."

I pick up a lacy bra off the ground. "Sure you don't want this…?"

She snatches it from my hands and stuffs it into her already overflowing suitcase. "AAAHHHHH LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE, PERV." She flinches at her own loudness. AHAHA I'M IMMUNE TO KARMA. BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS. Call me a sadist, but I think Flustered Lucy has gotta be one of my favs.

"So how do you plan on closing that suitcase of yours, Lucy?" Happy's got a point. It looks like it's as ready to close as the buttons on my pants after a good meal. Lucy proceeds to "gracefully" sit on top of the suitcase while bouncing up and down to get it to close. That's one way to do that I guess. Happy decides he "can't handle being the smartest person in the room" so he leaves to search the fridge for breakfast. HE BEST NOT TOUCH MY GINGY.

"I need to go make sure he doesn't rob me of my beloved. I'll be back later."

"Wait Natsu!" Surprised to hear her call me, I turn around to see Lucy biting her lip. MY GINGY COULD BE IN DANGER, THIS IS HARDLY THE TIME TO SEDUCE A GUY. "Uhm… so I got pretty drunk last night and I know you're pretty good at keeping your senses with stuff like that…" Aww, I think that was a compliment. "...not that that says much for you…" APPARENTLY IT WASN'T. "But uhmm… I was just wondering if I, I dunno, did something eventful or if something weird happened… yanno?"

Well. We could start with the fact that we almost kissed. Or the fact that she drank from a random barrel she found on the street, relying on nothing but her blind faith that it wasn't poisoned. Not to mention what happened _after_ she drank from the barrel. We could also mention the whole vandalizing-her-landlord's-property thing.

I open my mouth to start spilling everything that happened, but after looking at how much doubt and hope is in her eyes as she waits for my response, I figure she can find out later. DAMN MY KIND HEART. I grin at her as I start heading out of her room. "Nope. Nothing at all…" Then again, Igneel always said that honesty is the best policy. "...Violet" I say with a wink as I leave and close the bedroom door behind me.

"KKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Hey Natsu, what's she screaming about?"

I look at Happy and shrug. "Who knows? Girls are weird."

"Aye sir!"

* * *

YAY ANOTHER CHAPPY. What is this ~exotic location~ they speak of? What could happen there? Who knowssss. Also, I dunno about you, but Drag Queen Lucy might be my favourite.

IMPORTANT: So, my original plan for this story was to make each alternative chapter Natsu's POV and then Lucy's POV, so that every other chapter you could check back in with the character to see how they're absorbing whatever the hell is going on but I realized that for the things I have planned, it would be inconvenient and way less funny to have it that way. Also, since I'm writing the way I would perceive things and it's my own personality, the characters don't really differ too much, which is unrealistic. SO, from now on all chapters will be from Natsu's POV unless otherwise specified.

Make sure to tell me what you like and what you don't so that I can change the writing style to better entertain :DDD


	4. SHREK FART

**CHAPTER 4: SHREK-FART**

* * *

NATSU'S POV

* * *

 **7:43 AM SUNDAY: THE GUILD SOMEHOW MANAGED TO STUFF INTO TWO CHARTER BUSES. I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A FIELD TRIP. MASTER EVEN PASSED OUT JUICE BOXES.**

We've been on the bus for like 9 eternities now and I think I'm suffocating. At least I'm sitting next to Lucy, who can't stop talking about her "Super Duper Comfy Womfy Sweatpants". They look like regular old sweatpants, so why these specific ones need a title is beyond me. On the way to the guild she kept gushing about how sweats are 'perfect for any weather and never fail to get the job done!', which I don't really get, since sweats and sun aren't exactly the ideal combo, but hey, I'm warm no matter what so what do I know? Lucky for Lucy, it turns out we're going to a ski resort, or so it was revealed to everyone through the 'Arctic Ice' juice boxes.

UNLUCKILY for me, we're heading straight to the enemy's (Gray's) home base, where he's gonna miss no chance to show me up. Yep, you guessed it, I'm sulking my cute little tushy off. Meanwhile, he and Juvia are sitting a few seats in front of us excited to show off their skiing skills and what not. THEY'RE NOT EVEN LOWKEY ABOUT IT THOUGH. Man, he thinks he's ALL THAT doesn't he? He thinks he's just going to win all the competitions without even trying. BUT HELL IF I'M LETTING THAT HAPPEN. YOU BEST WATCH YOUR BACK FULLBUSTER. Also, how dumb of a last name is Fullbuster? Like If he busts your ass, he's going to be thorough. No half-ass ass-busting over here, nope. And if he goes to the disco, you KNOW he's going to go all out in busting a move. I start having a giggle fit in my seat because I'm so adorably hilarious when Lucy looks at me weird.

Funny, I don't think she has the right to be judgemental right now. Ever since we got on the bus, Lucy's memories of last night have been coming back to her in bits and pieces, tearing away at her dignity one memory at a time, so every so often she'll wallow in shame in her seat, unable to look me in the eye. The entire scene is entirely amusing and entertaining for almost all age groups. Rated PG-13 for adult language.

Now, I know what you must be wondering. The golden question of the day. 'Natsu, you're on a charter bus. How are you not getting sick?' Well, the answer to that, my friend, is that I FUCKING AM. I very strategically chose a window seat towards the back of the bus so that I could stick my head out the window and throw up when I need to. Wendy, my EX-friend, refuses to put the Troia spell on me without waiting 30 minutes in between each episode so that "I don't get immune to it". HOW SELFISH CAN SHE BE.

Thankfully, Mira announced that in 15 minutes we're going to reach a pit stop in the town of Fairborough so that we can rest a little and pick up some wizards from another guild who're coming to the ski resort with us. 15 minutes may not sound like a lot but if I have to bear another minute of Jellal and Erza being all cuddly behind me, I'm gonna puke, for many, many reasons.

I cannot tell you how distressing it is to have a couple cuddling in the seats BEHIND you. See, if they were in front of you, you'd know exactly what's going on, and as bad as it may make you feel about your own sorry excuse of a love life, you would be able to deal with it. But when the demon noises are coming from BEHIND you, you can't help but turn around to figure out WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING because seriously WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE DOING TO MAKE _THAT_ NOISE. And then when you DO turn around, it's like YOU'RE the creep for watching a couple make out, LIKE YOU HAVE A WEIRD FETISH OR SOMETHING.

Also, who knew that Jellal and Erza would be the type of couple who makes out publically? Sure they're not exactly exchanging saliva, but based on their personalities, the fact that they're even holding hands is equivalent to 1st base. It's like watching a 2nd grade love story. HOW SAUCY. Ugh I guess I asked for this though. Along with Lucy, Happy, Gray, and the rest of the Cupid Time crew. CUPID TIME CREW. THAT'S AN AMAZING NAME FOR OUR GROUP. I'M SUCH A GENIUS.

"We're here!" yells Mira.

"EVERYBODY OUTTA MY WAY!" I yell as I make my way to the front of the world and into the outdoors. Ahh solid, unmoving ground. Oh how I missed you so.

 **9:02 AM SUNDAY: MASTER SAID WE ONLY HAVE 20 MINUTES IN FAIRBOROUGH AND SO I MADE THE MOST OF IT AND TRIED ALL THE STREET FOOD. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST THEY SAY.**

"Natsu, we have to go back to the bus now! We only have a couple minutes left and I'm not sure Master is willing to wait for us. Not to mention we're picking up those few people extra wizards, so who knows if our seats will be there when we get back!"

"Sheesh Lucy, you worry so much. Relax~ It'll be fine." I respond, dismissing her with my hand.

She, of course, is not convinced and runs back to the bus just to be safe. "Hurry up, okay?"

"Yeah yeah…" GREAT. Now that she's gone, I saw this super nice scarf earlier at a merchant stall next to an ice cream stand and I must have it.

Well, actually, Lucy saw a really nice scarf but forgot her wallet on the bus, and now I'm buying it for her. It's blue and soft and she'll look pretty in it. WOW SHE'S GONNA BE SO SURPRISED. I'm such a good boyfriend. 'But Natsu, you're not her boyfriend.' Yah, but I'm practicing for the day I will be, so it's okay. 'But Natsu, you're basing all your hopes on something that may or may not happen, which is borderline dangerous for your mental hea-' Shhhhh. No more.

I approach the in-charge looking guy at the merchant stall with the scarf in my hand. He looks real stingy if you ask me, but then again, anyone who needs ME to pay THEM for anything looks that way to me.

I see him selling a skirt to another lady for 15 jewels. Sweet he's cheap! "Hey mister, can I buy this scarf please?"

He turns to me once the lady leaves. "Yes sir, that'll just be 35 jewels."

"35?!" I CALLED IT. HE STINGY. "YOU JUST SOLD A FULL SKIRT TO THAT LADY FOR 15. THAT'S LIKE TWICE THE AMOUNT OF FABRIC FOR LESS THAN HALF THE PRICE."

"Yes, but you see, the values of the commodities are exclusively based on their sundry functions which differ vastly among synthetics, thus the disparities in play here yield a greater range in pricing." FUCKING CALLED IT. THIS GUY IS JUST USING BIG WORDS TO TRY AND CONFUSE ME. I swear half that sentence was made using .

"LOOK BUDDY. I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO SIT HERE AND HAGGLE WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR OUTRAGEOUS PRICES. I'LL GIVE YOU 10 AND THAT'S IT."

"Well that is quite unfortunate sir, as I am unable to sell you this scarf for such a price. I do hope a more…" He looks me up and down. "... _suitable_ gentleman will purchase it one day." This guy is testing SO MANY NERVES.

Ughhhh I'm already late. BUT THERE'S NO WAY I CAN LET THIS WART ON SATAN'S TOE GET WHAT HE WANTS. But Lucy's waiting for me on the bus and she'll be so surprised… BUT THIS IS PRECIOUS FOOD MONEY. AUGHHH. "Here you go, dickwad," I say as I frustratedly put down the money on the table and run back to the bus. THIS IS DAYLIGHT ROBBERY.

Well at least I get to see Lucy all surprised when she sees what I got for her. I throw the bag containing the scarf into the luggage compartment and climb the few stairs on the bus, being extra careful to avoid eye contact with Mira who is surely staring me down. Heh, my bad. Now to go sit with Lucy~

I stop dead in my tracks when I look to see her. There she is... looking really nice and pretty… all happy and laughing... at something a RANDOM GUY SITTING NEXT TO HER IS SAYING.

WHAT IS GOING ON.

People are really testing me today… She notices that I've entered-AS IF I SLIPPED HER MIND- and tilts her head to the guy sitting with her while shrugging to let me know that she also has no idea who this jackass is or why he sat next to her.

Hmph obviously she knows him well enough to laugh at his rubbish. She pays her attention back to him and smiles at whatever he's saying PURELY FOR THE SAKE OF BEING NICE OF COURSE. They… look kind of good together? I take it back. THE UNIVERSE IS TESTING ME TODAY.

 **1:21 PM SUNDAY: I'M SITTING NEXT TO CANA. SULKING IN MY CLOUD OF DOOM AND DEPRESSION. I NEED GINGY. I NEED HER NOW.**

"Geez, if you roll your eyes any more, they'll get stuck in the back of your head," Cana says as she looks at me skeptically.

"Pfft I'm not falling for that again." But I stop all the same. Why risk it?

"I don't even get what you're so upset about. He's just one of the few wizards we had to pick up on the way. No biggie. And he seems like a nice guy." EXACTLY. WHAT IF LUCY THINKS SO AS WELL? She turns and checks him out from her window seat. "Not to mention, he's quite easy on the eyes…" she says, biting her lip. OH GREAT, THANKS FOR THE HELP CANA.

After getting over the initial shock of this DIPSHIT sitting next to Lucy, I had sat down next to Cana in the front of the bus, figuring I would probably need a sip or two from whatever libation she's got today. I was taking in my surroundings and I shit you not, almost every single girl in the bus was GAWKING at Wartnose. The only reason I say almost is because Erza barely registered his existence (too busy lost in Jellal's eyes no doubt) and Evergreen was dead asleep in Elfman's arms. EVEN JUVIA TEMPORARILY FORGOT ABOUT HER GRAY-SAMA. So excuuuuse me if I'm a _little_ wary of the guy that has OBVIOUSLY CAST SOME SORT OF TRANSFORMATION SPELL TO MAKE HIMSELF BE THAT ATTRACTIVE.

Seriously, dark brown hair, blue eyes, a sharp jawline, cheekbones you could cut yourself with…IT'S NOT FAIR. And the worst part… the part I can only make out through the intense focusing of all my dragon senses on their conversation (for the sake of Lucy's safety)... HE HAS AN ACCENT. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT. It's like British or something… sounds like fluent Bastard if you ask me. Lucy probably thinks he's soooo exotic.

From the bits and pieces that I've heard, Butt-nugget's real name is Avalon Moore and he's from Russia, explaining his ridiculously fair complexion and weird accent. He's a wizarding blacksmith, meaning he makes weapons infused with magic and supplies them to different guilds and requip mages like Erza, so he's not actually part of a guild, but still reaps many of the benefits that guild wizards do since he's a key benefactor to many guilds. Basically, he's a freeloader. Also, he wears lame cologne. Armani Acqua Di Gio Men's to be exact. Yah, I know perfumes. No need to act so surprised. Dragon nose comes with commercial expertise. Wendy (sitting across the aisle with Romeo) said that when Spitball walked by, she thought she smelled "a field of happiness and dreams and everything that is pure"... But what does she know right? EX-friend.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I believe almost every guy in Fairy Tail is on guard against him, so at least I'm not alone. "I hope his breath smells like Shrek fart…" I mutter.

"Sheesh, you're such a drama queen," Cana snickers. She looks far too amused by my misery.

"At least one of us is enjoying this…" Also, in my defense, most everyone I know is a drama queen, making it perfectly okay for me to be one.

"You know Natsu, did you ever consider that maybe the reason that Lucy's never had a serious boyfriend before is because she's so busy with you?" She sips her bottle nonchalantly.

"What…?" I'm not like a baby that she has to take care of or something. She's free to do whatever the heck she wants.

"You probably don't realize it, but she's left many dates halfway because she had to go on jobs with you and Happy." She's left dates for us before? "You three spend so much time together that most guys in Magnolia either think she's probably either dating you and so she's occupied, or want to date her but are afraid to face your fury." I'm not too sure how I should respond. I don't think Cana means for me to anyway as she goes back to her bottle and puts in earphones to go to sleep.

Wow, I've never thought of it that way before. I mean, I know we spend a lot of time together, but that's just because we're a team. Honestly, I didn't even know that Lucy's been going on dates to begin with. But then again, that's what normal people do I guess. People like me, who don't really know anything about romance and feelings and stuff, never really think about how it might be different for the rest of the world. In fact, most people make romance a priority. I usually just take pleasure in seeing people come together, but don't really carry it much beyond that. But just because I'm emotionally stunted, it doesn't mean Lucy is too.

Am I… holding Lucy back? THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR HELP CANA. NOW I'M EVEN MORE OF AN EMOTIONALLY INCAPABLE MESS THAN I WAS BEFORE.

 **3:30 PM SUNDAY. WE FINALLY REACHED THE SKI LODGE. ALREADY PUT MY STUFF UP. TIME TO GO EXPLORING WITH HAPPY.**

We decide to head to the common lounging building in between the boys and girls lodges to try out their hot chocolate. Yes, the class and quality of all winter hotels and lodges can be judged based entirely off the hot chocolate they serve. Trust me on this.

"I heard that the baristas here are required to do a penguin dance every time you order a Fluff-Mallow Hot Chocolate," Happy says with an all-too-excited glint in his eye.

I agree that this would indeed be splendid and we go wait in line. After all the emotional turmoil I've put up with today, I deserve to see an eskimo dance meant specifically for me.

Looking around, this place is honestly super cozy. There are couches scattered around the large room, a cafe on the inside, nice carpets, even a fireplace with 2 armchairs in front of it. I'm getting a very Gryffindor common-room vibe from it and I do not mind it at all. All I need now is the invisibility cloak. Oh wait, I think someone already put it on me because LUCY SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN I EXIST.

"Natsu I think someone spilled hot chocolate in your ears. There's steam coming out of both ends." I look down to see a smirking little Gramps who somehow came in front of me in the line to get hot cocoa. "Calm down, young man. So much anger at such a young age will surely lead to high blood pressure in your golden years."

Let us all just take a moment to acknowledge that the 3'7" pruny antiquite considers himself to be in the golden years, and not me, the fresh and healthy young adult. "I'm not angry… just slightly irritated." Not false, since I don't really have anyone to be angry at. Yet.

He notes my tense mood. "Say Happy, what do you think of those freelancing wizards we picked up in Fairborough?" WOW. HE NOTES THAT I'M UPSET AND MOVES ON TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT THE TOPIC THAT MADE ME UPSET IN THE FIRST PLACE. Fucking Gramps…

"I think they're pretty cool, Master. They look super talented and they seem to be getting along with everyone really well." DAMMIT HAPPY. NOT YOU TOO.

Gramps nods. "Hmm I think so too. That's why I'm thinking of recruiting some of them to join Fairy Tail after this trip ends." He shifts his gaze to me. "Especially that Avalon fellow, don't you think?"

Happy just nods excitedly in agreement.

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. THIS LITTLE TROLL DEFINITELY KNOWS THAT I DON'T LIKE HIM. To think… that jewel-eyed little devil is going to join OUR guild… and be around Lucy all the time… and take her on dates… probably form a separate team with her just to mock me. I'M SO UPSET. WHY HAS THIS SUDDENLY TURNED INTO "Let's collectively torture Natsu!" DAY? I swear if this goes on I'm going to bite something.

I try to keep the burning rage out of my tone. "HEY HAPPY I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD FOR HOT CHOCOLATE ANYMORE." I give him the money. "HERE, YOU BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF, I'M GOING ON A WALK," I say as I walk/stomp out. Yikes that came out a little louder than I meant it to.

I guess Happy notices that something's wrong since he flies to catch up with me. "Wait! Natsu!"

By this time I'm out of the cozy lodge and into the freezing outdoors. I can't really tell how cold it is, but the fact that everything is covered in snow indicates that it's not too warm. Ugh, I'm being a bad friend. I pause my stomping to let Happy catch up.

"What's wrong?" Happy was on the other bus on the way here so I guess he doesn't fully understand the reasons why Assface is an evil munchkin sent from the darkest corners of the world to come make my life a living hell. Yes, I do know he has a name. No, I am not going to stop calling him all the insults I can think of.

I rub the back of my neck. "I really don't feel like talking about it right now…" I see Happy looking severely disappointed. OH NO. BEST FRIEND. DON'T BE SAD. IT'S NOT _THAT_ BAD. "But I promise I'll tell you everything the moment I'm ready!" I say as I force a smile. That seems to cheer him up, so I leave the topic at that for now.

We start walking around to explore the place. "You know Natsu, even if we are in the middle of a bunch of mountains, I bet we can find an ice pond to go get some fish."

I chuckle at the fact that Happy always find a way to bring fish into whatever it is we're doing. "Yep, you're right let's go." I look at him evilly. "And I bet Carla sure would be impressed if you bring her one from such a foreign landscape."

He blushes furiously. "I bet she will…" I hear him mutter under his breath. Ahh, young love. Consistently funnier when seen on someone else.

We walk in comfortable silence for a while until we see a blurry figure ahead. OOH I HOPE IT'S A SNOWMAN. Igneel was always jealous that I could make them when he couldn't because… you know… fire dragon. LET'S MAKE SOME MEMORIES KIDS.

We get closer to discover that it is not in fact a snowman. Just some random couple hanging out. They turn slightly so we can see them. OH MY GOD IT'S LUCY AND FART-BREATH. AND I MISTOOK THEM FOR A COUPLE. BECAUSE THEY'RE STANDING THAT CLOSELY. WHY ARE THEY STANDING SO CLOSELY. Somebody get me something to bite NOW.

Okay. Okay. Calm Down. They haven't seen me yet. If I act fast, I can still escape. "HEY LUCY WHAT'S UP?" DAMMIT HAPPY. I turn around reluctantly.

"Heyyyyyy Lucyyyyyyy. How's it going?" Jesus, that sounded forced even to me.

"Oh hey Natsu! Happy! I haven't seen you guys in awhile." Well yeah, she was too busy hanging out with her new best bud. Also why is she blushing? IS IT BECAUSE OF POOP-FACE OVER HERE? For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to chose to dismiss it as a symptom of the cold for now.

"So who's your new friend Lucy?" I'm glad Happy addressed him, because someone was going to have to and I don't think I'd be able to do so without attaching a string of profanity to his name.

"Oh yeah! How rude of me. I'm sorry." She turns to present him. "This is Avalon. He's a wizarding blacksmith that's joining us on this trip." Now that we're all up close and personal, it's obvious to tell that he's taller than me. Dang ittttt.

He chuckles. WHAT THE HELL. THAT'S THE BEST SEXY-MAN CHUCKLE I'VE HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. IS THIS GUY EVEN REAL? IF I DIDN'T HATE HIM SO MUCH, I THINK **I** WOULD HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM. "It'z okay Lucy." He turns his gaze to me and Happy. It might just be in my head, but I swear to Mavis his 'charm switch' turned WAY DOWN the moment he looked at us. "Who iz your little friend over here?" LITTLE FRIEND? Sure he has to look down to talk to me, but the height difference is not THAT big. In the distance, I see a group of girls giggling within themselves while sneaking peaks at Troll-butt.

I try my best to act cordial. "I'm Natsu. This is Happy, my best friend."

"Oh your best friend iz a cat?" He shifts his gaze to Happy. "Zat's… nice." HIS VOICE IS DRIPPING RUSSIAN SARCASM. Everytime he makes the sound 'th' or 'd', it comes out like 'z'. That fake smile of his isn't fooling anybody. I KNOW HE'S EVIL. He looks back down to me. "Surely you don't ski with zose tiny little legs?" ESQUEEZE ME BITCH? HE'S DEFINITELY TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT.

I step forward, narrowing my eyes at him. "As surely as you can talk with that TINY LITTLE BRAIN." There's now a crowd around us. Me and Blob-fish are officially in a stare down.

He laughs slightly. "Whaz are you trying to zay here?"

I tilt my head back in a pompous manner. "I'm saying I can ski the home-made goat pants off of you."

Chupacabra eyes the crowd around us. "Well then. How about we have a little race to see who's best?" he smirks.

"FINE BY ME," I advance so that our noses are almost touching. Sure I have to go on my toes a little, but there's no way I'm about to lose in a stare-down.

He steps back on his leg, casually checking his nails as if this were any other boring conversation he's having on a Sunday afternoon. "Great. Tuezday at 5:00 PM we'll race down North Star Mountain. Of courze, no magic is allowed. And just to keep it interezting..." He looks at me again. "Winner get's to zit next to Lucy."

I hear lots of murmurs and whispers travel through the crowd. As if I'm going to back down from a challenge. "BRING IT ON BUDDY."

Lucy starts to interject. "Hey guys, calm down. I can sit next to both of you if you lik-"

"STAY OUT OF IT," we yell at once.

 **9:00 PM SUNDAY. SITTING WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS IN MINE AND HAPPY'S ROOM. BITCHING ABOUT HOW FAKE AVALON IS. IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME.**

Gray throws a piece of popcorn into the air. I snicker when he fails to catch it with his mouth. "I can't believe how stupidly popular this Avalon guy is," he sighs frustratedly.

"Pfft, tell me about it. The moment you catch him away from a girl, he's the most obnoxious person on earth." Gajeel turns to me. "Even more than Salamander." Rude. "He even had the nerve to diss me for not having read 'War and Peaze in ze original Ruzzian.' I'd like to FEED him the book in 'ze original Ruzzian'," he yells. He's been pretty frustrated since Levy's also distracted with Vomit-head. I feel you, buddy.

Elfman agrees. "No way is his accent even real." I guess Evergreen has also fallen victim to the plague that is this blacksmith.

"Juvia didn't even serenade me this evening because she was too busy sipping hot cocoa with her 'Ave-sama'." That's… a tough a blow Gray. My sincerest condolences.

Deep down, some sadistic part of me that I didn't even know existed until today is really happy that everyone else is also suffering. It makes me feel less alone I guess. I smile inwardly. It turns out that almost every guy in Fairy Tail has had a bad run in with Piss-pot today.

Happy takes me out of my thoughts. "Back to the topic at hand. Natsu, sure you challenged Avalon very openly in front of almost the entire guild, but you don't even know how to ski."

"You're crazy to race him bro. He's total Russian. They're like BORN on skis." Thanks for the encouragement Gray.

"Ehh cut him some slack. NATSU'S A MAN." Say what you will, but out of everyone in Fairy Tail, I would pick Elfman to be the motivational speaker of the year.

"Thanks bud. And don't worry, I have something planned for our race." Literally no one looks convinced. The lack of faith that people have in me is appalling to the point that I'm almost offended. I mean I can't blame them, but this is a matter of honor. "Plus, the winner gets to sit next to _Lucy_..."

* * *

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT AVALON IS LIKE A SUPER COOL NAME. Also he's hot. But snooty. But he has a smexy voice. But he's mean. SO YOU SEE THE DILEMMA? Maybe this new character will finally get Natsu to admit his feelings to Lucy? Maybe he'll let Lucy go and sulk in a pit of eternal loneliness? We shall see~~~


	5. GRAB SOME POPCORN

CHAPTER 5: GRAB SOME POPCORN

 **3:00 PM MONDAY. THE DAY BEFORE THE DUEL OF HONOR. STILL DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT SKIING.**

But worry not. It's all under control. I look around to the skilled crew I've gathered out here next to the ice pond. Just wait until I tell them about what I've got planned. They're gonna be so excited~ "I'm glad you were all able to make it here today."

"I'm cold," says Wendy.

"I can't find any fish," complains Happy.

"Those cookies I was offered to come here better be delivered or I am walking out," threatens Gray.

Yeesh, tough crowd. I toss Gray a box of old Nilla Wafers to pass around in a circle, Happy some Swedish Fish candy, and Wendy some mittens. Das right. Nobody's going to bring me down today. "Now that that's covered… HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW IN MY RACE AGAINST TIGHT-ASS."

"Avalon?" asks Wendy. Gray and Happy nod tiredly.

"SO. HERE'S MY SUPER DUPER AWESOME PLAN. Gray. You're going to use your ice magic to make me enchanted skis that move on their own. This way, you can help me go faster than Dip-Shit and win. Wendy. You're going put the Troia spell on me so I don't get sick af during my skiing expedition. And finally, Happy. You're going to be on standby in case things go very, very wrong." I pause. I SOUND SO UNSURE. I WOULD MAKE THE MOST UNCONVINCING COMMERCiAL EVER. "Not that anything will of course."

Gray pauses his munching on Nilla Wafers. "Uhhh, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not Elsa, genius. I can't just make you skis that go on auto-pilot. Get a mechanic for that… or a brain. Also, I'm not too sure how well Happy will be able to help you if something DOES go seriously wrong." Happy glares. "Although I'm sure he'll provide great emotional support," Gray adds with a smile.

WHAT. This… is such a hard-hitting disappointment. I had worked on my plan so thoroughly. Everything was perfect. And now… ughhhh. WHY IS THE WORLD AGAINST ME I'M LITERALLY JUST TRYING TO GET A GOOD SEAT ON THE BUS HERE.

"Hey um… Natsu?"

I give Happy a disheartened look. "What?"

"You _could_ just get me to fly Wendy over your route and she could use her wind magic to lift you and direct you over the snow so that you never actually touch the snow." Wut.

Gray seems to get what he means. "Oh yeah, that way it'll still look like you're skiing, as long as Wendy keeps you relatively close to the ground. I think it could work." Ohhhhh I get itttt. So everyone would think it's me skiing, when really it would be Wendy doing all the work and lifting me from above. Or would it be Happy doing all the work since he's flying Wendy over my route? EITHER WAY IT'S NOT ME DOING THE WORK. I like this plan.

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG GUYS. Ya silly billies. Took ya long enough," I say smiling.

Wendy raises her hand to show she has a question. She must think I have authority in this situation or something. She's so cute. "But Natsu, Avalon said that no magic was allowed, so isn't this cheating?"

I scoff. "I sure hope so, cuz there is no WAY I'm beating this guy fair and square." She doesn't look satisfied. "ANYHOO. We need to make sure this plan is foolproof so we're all going to wake up super early tomorrow and head to the slope to test it out before anyone else get's there, okay?"

"AYE SIR!" Happy yells.

"YEAH!" shouts Wendy.

"LET'S DO IT!" That's the spirit. Time to kick some Russian ass. WOOHOOOOOO.

 **1:00 PM TUESDAY. WE OVERSLEPT. SHIT. FUCK. SHITFUCK. FUCCKKKK.**

"It was _your_ idea to watch Shrek at 3 in the morning."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP GRAY NOW IS NOT THE TIME ASSIGN BLAME," I yell as we all grab a seat on the ski lift. I do my best to glare at Gray through my super awesome Spiderman ski goggles.

Gray just smirks as a response as he looks towards the hill. He, Happy, Wendy, and I are all going up the ski lift, because Happy is 'too cold to shed his blanket and spread his wings to fly'. On the plus side, he's sitting in my lap and brought an oversized blanket with him and it's sooooo cozy~

I look around to properly take in my surroundings for the first time since I've come to this resort. There's a couple different slopes on what's basically one giant mountain that acts host to the entire resort, and each slope is assigned a different colour to show its level of difficulty. The lodges are all off to the side of the slopes and the rental shop is on the opposite end. It looks pretty nice actually. If it weren't for Asswipe, I probably would enjoy this resort a lot. Not to mention, I'm actually super bothered still by what Cana said to me on the bus earlier about Lucy being held back by me.

Wendy's biting her lip in anxiety. Aww she's so cute. I want Wendy to be my little sister. She's so little sisterly. I could show her cool tricks with fire and she could call me big brother Natsu and we would be the cutest siblings in Magnolia. Yep. It's official. From now on she's my little sister. "Something wrong Wendy?" I ask.

"I'm kinda worried I'll screw up during the plan. I don't want to mess things up for you, so I was really counting on this practice run to make sure I know exactly what to do."

I peer over the lift. Ughhh basically everyone I know is either already on the slopes or on their way to the slopes because they're also on the ski lift. There's no way we can practice the plan without anyone noticing. "So much for a practice run," I groan.

Happy starts speaking from his place on my lap. "Don't worry Natsu! All you need is faith, trust, and pixie dust!"

"I don't have any pixie dust Happy."

He covers his mouth as he giggles evilly. "Well, that's too bad, isn't it?" FUCKING CAT.

Wendy interrupts the intense axe-murder vibe I'm trying to send to the feline. "I still don't understand why I can't have Carla flying me over you during the race. I mean, no offense to Happy, but I'd just be more comfortable with her."

OH MY GOD MY LITTLE SISTER IS ASKING HER BIG BROTHER NATSU FOR HELP. HOW CAN I TURN DOWN THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE. I clear my throat to sound authoritarian. "Well you see Wendy, while Carla is great and all, she has this little thing called a conscience. It's generally a good thing to have, but for the purposes of me getting what I want right now, it is essential that Carla isn't here to convince you that what we're doing is wrong."

"Not that what we're doing IS wrong to begin with," Gray adds, still munching on his box of Nilla Wafers. "Avalon is a little troll sent from the depths of Nirvana whose sole mission is to ruin the lives of all decent men in the world. The only problem is that he has the disguise of a Russian blacksmith that's only like A LITTLE good looking and has a funky accent that girls find 'undeniable'." Haha, he's just pouting because he's no longer the center of every girl's attention. Way to hide your emotions buddy. Real smooth.

Watching Gray now, reciting his heartfelt monologue about the sin that is Avalon, I wonder how people always accuse ME of being the weird one. Not to mention the fact that this entire trip he's been dressed to go swimming at the beach. I chuckle to myself about how blissfully ignorant people are about the insane that is Gray.

Happy looks up at me seriously. "Your sexy-man chuckle is no where near as sexy as Avalon's."

"BITCH I WILL DROP YOU."

 **1:45 PM. WE'RE AT THE TOP OF THE HILL. I SAW SHITFACE PRACTICE JUST NOW…. HE'S PRETTY GOOD…..** **I'M NOT WORRIED AT ALL.**

"Hey Natsu. What do you look so worried about?" Well fuck you too Jellal. Fuck. You. Too.

I sigh. Not only does Jellal break the fragile glass that is my self confidence, BUT HE ALSO HAS TO BRING ERZA WITH HIM TO SAID BREAKING OF SELF-CONFIDENCE AND STAND THEIR WITH HIS ARM CASUALLY AROUND HER BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE A COUPLE NOW OR WHATEVER AND DAMMIT THEY LOOK SO COOL. If I knew that they were going to be so public about their relationship, I never would've helped hook them up. JK I PROBABLY STILL WOULD HAVE. I LOVE JELLAL SO MUCH. HE'S FREAKING AWESOME.

Happy giggles. At least one of us is enjoying this. "Natsu's peeing his pants because he has to race against that Avalon guy."

Erza's attention perks up at the sound of a competition. Jellal looks to Gray. "Race? Avalon guy? I feel like I missed something..." Oh righttttt. Erza and Jellal wouldn't know anything about who he is or what happened yesterday since they were too busy with each other the entire day. Haha, they probably went straight from the bus to Jellal's room to make out. A full day later and they have no idea what's going on with the rest of the world. Nearly 2 decades of pent up sexual frustration would probably do that to you.

Gray sighs. Me too buddy, me too. "He's some tightass Russian guy who we picked up in Fairborough and is joining us for the rest of the trip. According to Cana, he has 'the looks of a Greek god, the voice of a seductive serpent, and the body of a hunky swimsuit model." He flips his imaginary Cana-hair and talks with a super high-pitched voice that sounds nothing like a girl. "'He's like, totes amazeballs!'"

"He and Natsu got in a pretty rough argument yesterday and so he challenged Natsu to a skiing race that's going to happen in a couple of hours. But later we found out that Avalon's really good at skiing so now Natsu's worried…" I really need to talk to Wendy about calling me big brother Natsu. Everything she just said would have sounded so much cuter.

"Wait… Russian Avalon… objectively hot...?" Erza shakes my shoulders. "By any chance… is this Avalon MOORE you're talking about?"

She's looking at me dead in the eye. I can't really tell if she wants to know because she loves the guy or she hates his guts. I realllllly hope it's the latter. Having Erza on my side means almost certain victory. "Yah. You know him?"

She looks almost angry. "ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT GUY…" She paces around trying to find the right words. OooOoOoHHHH THAT MEANS SHE HATES HIM. "THAT GUY…" She's visibly trying to collect herself now. SHE MUST HATE HIM GOOD. OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN DESTROYING HIM TOGETHER. "THAT GUY IS MY HERO!"

…

Como?

"IS HE HERE? CAN I MEET HIM? OMG I WONDER IF I CAN GET HIS NUMBER," Erza gushes. WHAT IS GOING ON. ERZA NEVER GUSHES OVER **ANYBODY.** First Lucy, then Juvia, Levy, Evergreen… Now even Erza? WHO IS THIS GUY?

Gray looks almost as offended as me. "Uhm… Erzy? Care to explain?"

Erza looks at Gray as if he's stupid. Funny, usually I'm the one getting that look. "Are you kidding? You don't know who _Avalon Moore_ is?"

"A Russian sac of fake who can forget about sitting next to Lucy on the bus…" I mutter. Erza gives me a pointed look.

She turns back to Gray. "Avalon Moore is THE wizarding blacksmith of Fiore. His works are considered the best of the best. He's designed some of my best armors including my Black Wing Armor AND my Sea Empress armor."

"So basically he's a perv…" Gray murmurs.

Erza just ignores him. "He EVEN worked on my ArmaDura Fairy HIMSELF." I think she means for us to be heavily impressed by this, clearly overlooking the fact that NO ONE ELSE CARES. I look towards Jellal to see if at least HE hates Avalon now that his girlfriend is basically his biggest fan. Surprisingly, he just looks amused to see Erza's reaction. He's not even jealous. WHAT A TRASH BOYFRIEND.

I scoff. "Well if he's that famous, how come I haven't seen him Sorcerer Weekly or something?"

"He IS. Well actually… he's in Magician's Delight, which is like the Sorcerer Weekly for wizards that aren't affiliated with guilds. He's almost always the front cover of it actually." Of course Erza would know this. She basically scours magazines and newspapers for other wizards that could pose as either "worthy opponents" or "indispensable assets".

"Luzy darling! You're finally here!" Speaking of dispensable asses… I turn around to see "Avalon" walking towards Lucy with his arms open AS IF THEY'RE GONNA HUG.

"Hey Avy!" AVY? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY IS SHE RETURNING THE HUG? IS THIS THE WAY THEY GREET EACH OTHER NOW? IS THIS HOW LUCY JUST GREETS EVERYBODY THAT'S NOT ME?

WHAT. IS. GOING. ON.

"Oh Luzy, I love your outfit! Where zid you get it?" What a kiss up. Although for a dude, Toe Fungus here dresses pretty well, what with fancy sweaters and scarves and snow boots and everything. Not to mention his hands are in impeccable condition. Honestly, he's got more fashion sense than most girls in Fairy Tail. And yes, yes, I did just call him Toe Fungus. There are only so many insults that I can spontaneously think of.

 **4:55 PM TUESDAY. THE PLAN IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE. ALL THE PLAYERS ARE IN POSITION. GRAB SOME POPCORN, HISTORY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN FOLKS.**

"Uhm, if you're holding one in each hand, how do you fix your hair?" I snicker as Juvia tries to fix her snow cap while managing the skis at the same time. These past few minutes leading up to the race have been going in slow motion and let's just say my nerves are wrecked. WRECKED I TELL YOU.

Thankfully, I've got a plan. Happy and Wendy should be in place by now. Gray told them to start hovering above me a few minutes before the race so that they could get a good look at the route. I look up at Happy and Wendy in the sky and give them a thumbs up while everyone else clears the slope for us. This way everyone get's to watch clearly….. Yay….

"Nervouz?" Shit Brick smirks at me while he puts on his ski goggles.

I put on my Spiderman goggles to mirror him. "You're right, you should be."

I nearly PISS MY PANTS when Cana zips through between us on her skis, clearly drunk and CLEARLY experimenting with skis for the first time in her life. You and me both pal. Erza comes up next to me to watch the spectacle. "You know, I admire Cana. She doesn't care about boys or what people think of her…" We watch as Cana falls on her face and tumbles down the hill. "Or if she keeps all her bones…"

I gulp as I watch Cana give me a preview of what's probably my inevitable doom. Lucy notices this as she asks "Now. You know you both don't have to do this right? I can sit with you both, so there's no need to prove yourself here."

Why do I feel like she's saying this mostly to me? UGH I BET SHE THINKS HER PRECIOUS 'AVY' IS GOING TO WIN AND THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE. I DON'T NEED NO PITY. I bend my knees and get in position. "Just say go."

She sighs. "Go."

I propel myself forward with the two sticks and almost instantly lose balance. Egg Head gets ahead of me fairly quickly, giving Wendy the perfect chance to carry out the plan and lift me from the snow. I feel my skis ever so slightly lift up off the ground as I start ZOOMING through the obstacles and eventually surpass Penis Face. Everything's going good. Already half way through. Consider this victory MINE.

I keep a serious look on my face as we go down the hill so no one gets suspicious, although I mean, obviously I'm going to win. While I'm at it, I start taking in my surroundings and admiring the view. Snowy mountains… super green trees everywhere… Oh hey there's even an ice pond off to the side. And look, I even see a fish in it.

...

OH NO.

HAPPY IS STEERING WENDY. WENDY IS STEERING ME. HAPPY SEES THE FISH. HAPPY GOES DOWN FOR THE FISH. WENDY CAN'T SEE ME ANYMORE. WENDY CAN'T STEER ME ANYMORE. OH. NO.

I resist the urge to scream as I land on the ground. THIS IS BAD. OH SO VERY BAD. I almost immediately lose the stick in my right hand, shortly followed by me losing the stick in my left hand. AHHHHHHH. NO WAY OF STEERING. I'VE LOST ALL BALANCE. I see myself head towards the big red "DO NOT ENTER" sign on the slope. UH OH UH OH UH OH.

 **12:30 AM WEDNESDAY. I JUST WOKE UP WRAPPED IN BANDAGES. OH HEY LOOK I HAVE A CAST ON MY RIGHT FOOT. AND I HAVE CRUTCHES NEXT TO MY BED. PLEASE TELL ME I'M IN SOME SORT OF HALLOWEEN COSTUME PARTY.**

I wince as I lift myself up off the bed. Ughhhhh everything hurts. I seem to be in what I can only assume is the resort's infirmary. Damn I'm thirsty. Nobody seems to be around. That hot chocolate from the lounge is sounding real nice right now.

I stumble out of the infirmary and head towards the common lounge. I did see 24/7 service on the sign earlier, so hopefully I can get something or the other to drink. Literally nobody else is here right now. I guess everyone must already have gone inside to get some sleep or whatever. NOBODY CARES FOR GOOD OLD NATSU. WHATEVER. IT'S FINE. HE ONLY FELL FROM A GIANT ASS MOUNTAIN, HITTING MULTIPLE TREES AND BOULDERS IN THE PROCESS. NO BIGGIE.

I sigh as I step towards the bar inside the lounge and ask for the "Fluff-Mallow Hot Chocolate" to the barista. He gives me a look of desperation as he hands me my drink. "You're not going to make me do the penguin dance at this hour are you?"

This poor guy is the only other one here right now, so I can sympathize with him. I know full well the agony of being stuck with the night shift in a working restaurant, and how awful it is to have to pack everything up. "Nah you're good." He sighs with relief. "But you will have to do it for me tomorrow morning, when everyone's watching," I add with a grin. I wink at him as I walk away, just to let him know that there's no chance of negotiation.

I sit down in one of the big grandpa chairs next to the fireplace and look outside. The windows are all frosted from the snow so I can't see anything, but it's nice and toasty inside the lounge so I don't really mind. Quickly I light the fireplace by blowing some flames in there, not really wanting to get up from my cozy spot in the chair. I always like to look at fire whenever I'm thinking. It makes me feel safe I guess. Also it makes me feel like I'm in that one scene from Beauty and Beast, but mostly the safety thing.

I sip my cocoa as I gather my thoughts. I do wonder what happened to Chicken Head after our little race, not that I really care if he's okay or not, I just want to know if he made a big joke of how I fell from my skis and stuff. MAN I BET HE DID. HE'D DO SOMETHING PETTY LIKE THAT. Of course… I guess it's petty of me to challenge him in the first place, when really I was just… bothered about him and Lucy. Do I even have a right to be bothered? I mean it's not like I'm her boyfriend or anything…

"Hey Natsu."

"AA;SKDFJAL;SDFJOSDIFAOISFLDK GO AWAY GHOST I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU BULLY ME AGAIN." I look up to see Lucy smirking down at me.

She arches an eyebrow at me. "Again?"

I pout as I look away from her. "The guildhall is not a nice place to be in alone at night..."

I look back towards her when I don't get a response. She's getting the other big grandpa chair and facing it towards the fireplace to mirror mine. I start asking what she's doing, but she just sits down in it and looks at the fire with me. Ohhhhhkay. A few minutes of silence pass and I feel the need to say something, only if to prevent Lucy from screaming something like FURRY LOLLIPOPS again.

"So uh, I guess Avalon won the race huh?"

She looks at me weird. "I mean I _guess_ … when he saw that you lost control he took you to the infirmary immediately. He's the only reason you're not still unconscious."

Oh… I kinda feel bad for not liking him now. I start playing with my scarf. I have a question that I really need to ask but I'm scared to hear the answer and I mean do I even have a right to ask this question in the first place?

"You're doing the scarf thing. What do you wanna know?" DAMMIT LUCY I WASN'T PREPARED TO ASK IT.

I groan. "Do you… do you _like_ him? Avalon I mean."

She looks taken aback. I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED. "Well yeah of course I like him as a _friend…"_

OH. AS A FRIEND. NOT AS ANYTHING MORE. HE IS IN EL ZONE DE FRIENDSHIP. I smile smugly to myself. WHAT A RELIEF.

"Why do you ask?"

Oh. Uh oh. "Well uh… " I could tell her that I was sort of jealous about them…. That sounds like an adult thing to do… Maybe this will be my chance to prove to myself how mature I am. "GRAY THINKS HE'S FAKE AND EVIL AND THAT HIS BREATH SMELLS LIKE OGRE FART."

She blinks at me.

I clear my throat. "So yeah… I was just… wondering what you think about him. Cuz you know. GRAY doesn't like him and I wanted a second opinion. Yeah." Hopefully she buys that.

"B.S."

It has not been bought.

"That's clearly a lie. Natsu you've been acting really weird lately. And what's with that race? Why would you do something like that in the first place when clearly you've never skied before in your life. I mean how could you? You get motion sickness just by watching TURTLES walk."

Haha that's actually a great story about this tortoise and this hare that I'd love to revisit right now but I CAN'T CUZ LUCY'S WAITING FOR AN ANSWER AND I DON'T REALLY HAVE ONE.

"Well?" she presses.

"Well basically… ASSFACE IS REALLY GOOD LOOKING AND UNNATURALLY POPULAR AND HE STOLE MY SEAT ON THE BUS BUT YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND SO I WAS LIKE 'UHM. EXCUSE ME. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING?' ON AND NOW HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND HE THINKS I'M SHORT AND SO I ACCEPTED HIS CHALLENGE TO SKI SO THAT I COULD SHOW HIM UP BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE..." I stop to catch a breath and look at Lucy. "I like… beating people in ski duels." She's clearly disappointed.

UGH I'M SUCH A MORON. SKI DUELS? Real smooth Natsu. Real fucking smooth. Lucy leans forward and searches my face for something. "Natsu… are you jealous of Avalon?"

I scoff extra-loudly. "ME? JEALOUS? OF THAT SHIT-SALSA? PFFT NO." Lucy looks away to the fire again. She's obviously not satisfied with that answer. Dare I say she's a little sad? "Well… I don't know… maybe a little…"

Her face literally LIGHTS UP as she giggles to herself. Glad to see she's happy that I'm suffering. "Natsu you have nothing to be jealous of. The truth is… Avalon is a great guy. And maybe if things were different… like REALLY different, I'd like him. But I don't. For a lot of reasons. One of them being the fact gay. He likes men."

Oh. OH. OH WHOA. THAT EXPLAINS THE EXTRAORDINARY FASHION SENSE. AND HOW NICE HIS FINGERS LOOK. WAIT THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. "Wait then why does he like _you_ so much?"

Judging by the look on Lucy's face, she obviously wishes that I hadn't asked that. "Well actually… that was on purpose. I told him about you and he decided to help me in my… _situation_ and pretended to like me… He even challenged you to that race... Just to make you jealous…" What? Why would she want me to be jealous? I'm so confused. "Natsu… _I like you_."

* * *

DUN DUN DUNNN! HOW ABOUT THAT CLIFFHANGER. AMIRITE FOLK? AMIRITE? I wonder what will happen nextttttt. Also, I think I'm going to start using shit-salsa as my go-to insult now. PLIS REVIEW IT GIVES ME LIFE OK THNX BAI.


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